I used to go to this daycare in the mornings while I was in Kindergarten because Kindergarten was only a half day back then.It was always really weird because there was the AM class and the PM class and sometimes I would get to school a little early and I’d see some weird AM kid waiting for his mom or something and it would freak me the fuck out because there was this whole other dimension that had a kid that sat in my desk and wore the same uniform and drank the same juice box. It was kind of a bizarro world type thing in my head at the time.
I was told once by someone I love that every morning Buddhists and Navy Seals look in the mirror and tell themselves that they are beautiful and capable. All I could really draw from the factually dubious information was an image of various Buddhists and Navy Seals of all shapes and sizes waking up, getting off of their respective floor mats and cots to stand naked in front of a mirror and murmur sentiments about their attractiveness. At the time, this struck me as undeniably silly, but now it makes sense as silliness sometimes does.
They stand and look into the mirror the way we all have once - looking through a magnifying glass. Trying to slowly comb through the bad and cut it out - like when a kid gets checked for lice or something. Looking for something to destroy and then build up again. That’s the most important part though - the building up again. That’s where the Buddhists and the Navy Seals have it right. Because it’s hard not to lose your mind in that magnifying glass. We use it to burn through our lives and bodies, seeking and holding up to the light our failures. So we know exactly how unworthy we are. As we keep magnifying, we hope to find the motivation to fix all the wrongness that we’ve found but all we’ve done is burn ourselves. We become ants floundering as the sun projects its heat through glass and overwhelms our bodies, setting us on fire. We look in the mirror and we scourge ourselves beyond recognition because we hope in the wake of the destruction somehow we can build something better, something worth loving. Only something stops them, the Buddhists and the Navy Seals, from this and they look hard into their own eyes and say that they are beautiful and capable because, even though it is ridiculous, it saves them.
I was a prostitute for charity. I literally stood on a street corner. The only difference was I had a binder with a business license inside.
It probably happens the same way too. I was in a Starbucks when I got a call from them, asking if I knew exactly what they did. Asking if I would be comfortable coming in for an interview.
I walked in for the interview and it was beard nation. If it didn’t have a vagina, it had a beard. And if it did have a vagina, I suspected the vagina was probably harboring a beard as well. Along with the beards came a level of casual that god usually only reserved for only the coolest of lesbians.
In the interview they asked me what the shittiest job I had ever had was. Everyone laughed at each others stories. It was ironic.
I held out for 5 days.
It wasn’t the standing that bothered me. Or the rejection. Or the awkwardness of seeing people I still have on facebook from high school but haven’t purged because I couldn’t bear the guilt of depriving them of my minimalist online presence. It wasn’t the fact that I am both too compassionate and overly self absorbed to flag down strangers off the street like a cop at a didactic traffic stop.What finally made the job unbearable was when I realized that I had inexplicably begun to care